College is coming to an end (even though I still have one semester to go. What can I say? I love this place so much) and I feel like this:
I can only describe this last year as tumultuous. It's been characterized by impulsive decisions which have opened doors and given me perspective that I wouldn't have gained otherwise. I made the decision to study abroad during the week of the registration deadline. I have no idea why I'm doing research in a mechanical engineering lab when I love engineering about as much as a fat kid likes dieting. I signed up for my MCAT date purely on a whim. And it would seem that whatever happens to me after college is following in this vein- for the first time, when I look into my future, I have no idea what's going to happen. It's slightly terrifying.
It was different before college- I was obviously going somewhere. Coming from a family where the idea of not earning your Master's is an inconceivable anathema, there was no question there. But I have no idea if I'm going to get into med school or not. If I don't, I don't think I actually know what I'm going to do after graduate school. One of the principal ingredients of my life, as anybody who knows anything about me can attest to, is passion. What if I can't find something I'm truly passionate about and gifted enough to succeed in, if the avenue of medical school is closed to me? What if I'm not good enough to get into a medical school anywhere? Honestly, if I had a boggart, it would look something like this:
I don't want to end up settling for something in life, or depending on the possibility that I'll learn to love my career or that I'll learn to be good at it. Liquid and I were talking about it and she sees it as a crossroads, as an exciting time when life has the potential to go in whatever direction you want. I'm trying not to see it this way, but I feel like this is the time when I can be made or broken, and all the elements defining the outcome aren't even in my control.
But the most important thing I've learned in my senior year is that this is why there is faith. There's always been a method to the madness, and even though things that I didn't want to happen have happened, there's always been a reason for it. Humans are resilient- life goes on and we get over things fast. I guess all there is to do is trust that even if I do my best and I don't get what I want, I'm meant to do something else and that my life won't actually flush itself down the crapper.
Hooray for perspective!
~*Heat*~
I can only describe this last year as tumultuous. It's been characterized by impulsive decisions which have opened doors and given me perspective that I wouldn't have gained otherwise. I made the decision to study abroad during the week of the registration deadline. I have no idea why I'm doing research in a mechanical engineering lab when I love engineering about as much as a fat kid likes dieting. I signed up for my MCAT date purely on a whim. And it would seem that whatever happens to me after college is following in this vein- for the first time, when I look into my future, I have no idea what's going to happen. It's slightly terrifying.
It was different before college- I was obviously going somewhere. Coming from a family where the idea of not earning your Master's is an inconceivable anathema, there was no question there. But I have no idea if I'm going to get into med school or not. If I don't, I don't think I actually know what I'm going to do after graduate school. One of the principal ingredients of my life, as anybody who knows anything about me can attest to, is passion. What if I can't find something I'm truly passionate about and gifted enough to succeed in, if the avenue of medical school is closed to me? What if I'm not good enough to get into a medical school anywhere? Honestly, if I had a boggart, it would look something like this:
I don't want to end up settling for something in life, or depending on the possibility that I'll learn to love my career or that I'll learn to be good at it. Liquid and I were talking about it and she sees it as a crossroads, as an exciting time when life has the potential to go in whatever direction you want. I'm trying not to see it this way, but I feel like this is the time when I can be made or broken, and all the elements defining the outcome aren't even in my control.
But the most important thing I've learned in my senior year is that this is why there is faith. There's always been a method to the madness, and even though things that I didn't want to happen have happened, there's always been a reason for it. Humans are resilient- life goes on and we get over things fast. I guess all there is to do is trust that even if I do my best and I don't get what I want, I'm meant to do something else and that my life won't actually flush itself down the crapper.
Hooray for perspective!
~*Heat*~
No comments:
Post a Comment