Escape.

I am finished.  I'm sick and tired of this place.  And not even because of the work.  I'm almost enjoying drowning myself in organic chemistry right now (obviously not enough to resist the temptation to take a break and blog instead), because it's distracting me from another pressing problem at hand.


I'm sick and tired of the people here.  I'm tired of being with the same people all the fucking time and having them know me inside and out (or thinking they know me inside and out.)  I'm sick and tired of angry outbursts.  I'm sick of frustration.  I'm tired of relationships with people literally changing overnight, and I don't want the emotional roller coaster that comes with this anymore.


What I want, more than anything, is just to be left alone.  Lately things have just been simpler if I'm by myself.  No frustration, no having to worry about anyone else's feelings, no feeling like I'm walking on eggshells around people, and more importantly, no feeling hurt about relationships that change.  No being upset about not feeling as close to people anymore.


All I want right now is to take off on a solo trip and just go somewhere halfway around the world ALONE.  With no strings attached, no having to worry or care about or even bother keeping in touch with anyone except my parents.  I want to drink myself to drowning and get high and enjoy a few blissful hours of oblivion, with someone else taking care of me for a change.  I want to be Imperiused and have my memory wiped clean.  I want to be an island and detach myself and just not care about people.  No having to worry about anything that's going on with anyone or people judging me or just feeling like some of my most important relationships just aren't the same anymore.  I want to be someplace where freaking no one knows me.  A blank slate with no limitations and no preconceived notions about what I'm like.  No history which gives people a basis on which to judge me.  I don't want to give a flying fuck about anyone except myself right now, because when you do bother to give a fuck about people and when you let them in, they will judge you and they will leave you, and it's just not worth letting your guard down.  And the best part about being alone and keeping your expectations low?  You don't have to give a fuck about anyone, no one's obligated to give a fuck about you, and in the end, it's just you and your own brains and your own feelings, and it's impossible to get hurt.

Gracie Lou Freebush In The House

So it's not exactly a well-kept secret that I'm not the most feminine girl in the world.  On top of that, I would hardly call myself graceful.  I get dizzy with vertigo when I walk in stilettos (or at least, that's the kindest explanation for why I cannot stay on my feet for more than a minute after I wear them).  I am basically Gracie Hart, Jr.  Not to be mean to myself or anything, but there it is.


Except that I own dresses and I DO own a brush.


But the reason I'm mentioning all of this is because that's changed ever since I came to college.  Gone Less common are the days when I pulled on a sweatshirt and jeans and left the apartment and walked around looking like I'd just rolled out of bed.  Especially after landing my TA job, I've found myself paying a lot more attention to my appearance and deciding that what the hell- if it's going to be a trying day anyway, I might as well charge through it with some style.


Sweatpants are being replaced with skinny jeans.  My sneakers are vying with boots and flats for my attention.  Even though I never thought I'd see the day I started bringing more lace into my wardrobe, apparently that day has dawned with a glorious sunrise.  


And while we're on the topic of things I never thought I would do in my lifetime- I modeled a dress.  Of my own volition.  And loved every minute of it (except the parts where I was scared shitless I'd fall on my face and humiliate myself, but all the rest).         


The Red Dress Fashion Show is an event organized by the Women's Awareness Month Committee every year to raise awareness about women's heart health.  (Heart disease is the number one killer of women in the United States.  I didn't know that.  I thought it was breast cancer.)  The committee was looking for women to volunteer to model.  Feeling very out of my element but deciding to give it a try, especially because heart disease is a big problem for women in my family, I decided to sign up.  It wasn't intimidating at all, I got to meet some really nice girls, and what's more, I had fun.  From the first rehearsal to practicing with my roommates the night before to the last-minute dash to do my makeup and look good to actually getting out on the catwalk and strutting my stuff, I had SO much fun.  And it was eye-opening because I would never have expected to be able to pull it off.


Don't get me wrong, I'm still a Gracie.  I work the punching bag and yell obnoxiously at the TV when I'm watching sports, and I still have jeans-sweatshirt-hair-up-in-ponytail-because-I-didn't-brush-it days, but I've gotten out of that mindset that the uniform of a college student who works her ass off and doesn't sleep some nights is bleary eyes and baggy clothes.  You can either drag yourself through your mornings, or you can take them on with flair.  It takes some determination to manage to look good even if you're looking at the world through three-hours-of-sleep-last-night glasses, but it makes you feel much better.  Plus it turns heads.  And I always find that I feel much more confident and energetic and I can take on whatever this godforsaken college has to throw at me.


Mission accomplished.    


~*Heat*~

Miss Independent

I always dread my parents pre-semester lecture. They drop me off at school and read out this laundry list of things I should and should not do. This time around, however, I actually learned something from them. "Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, Liquid." I was so surprised at how blunt my mother was being. "Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You guys spend so much time complaining about how much homework you have and how tired you are. Start being an adult and accepting your challenges and difficulties. No one will listen to you whine when you're older." Usually I just brush off what my parents say- but this time... I realized she was right. So, there I made my new years resolution.. to stop complaining so damn much.

Working 5 hours and attending class for 4 hours every day has really helped me transform my views on how 'tired' I actually am. So what if I'm a little tired? I can complain about it all I want- but it's not going to get me anywhere. I can sit and complain about the load of work I have from both school and office, but I've found that it really gets me no where. Yea, I get a few pity looks...but what good does that do me? I'm so much stronger than I was before. I'm on top of my reading/homework, I'm getting paid $250 a week, I love my job, and I see every day as a challenge. I wake up every day and remind myself to stop pitying myself about how I only got 5 hours of sleep the night before.

I love where I am right now.  A year ago I was taking 13 hours and sitting on my butt in between classes- being so unproductive. Now, about 80% of my day is extremely productive... and I love it! I haven't slept in past 10, I haven't gotten a chance to just lounge on facebook but I really really don't care. I love that I'm doing something so meaningful =)

Look out world, here I come. 

Angry, Grammatically Incorrect Spiel.

Last time I checked, it was 2011 and women were supposed to be treated as equals. A week with my cousins from India has taught me that, even after decades of feminism, Indian women are still considered inferior. Discrimination ranged from being pushed out of the front seat because 'women must sit in the back' to being ignored even though I'm right. By Friday I was sick of having to scream at the top of my lungs to be heard. It's not fair that boys get the first priority. It's not fair that my male cousins get to eat before I do. It's not fair that I have to clean and cook while they sit around.

I'm not going to bite my tongue and be a 'good woman'. I'm going to stand up for myself and if that steps on people's bloody toes than so be it. I may be a woman, but I'm still a human being and a deserve an equal chance. I'm ashamed that my own family acts this way.

Welcome to the 21st century guys, where its perfectly fine to not take no as an answer and stand up for our rights.