I admit it shamelessly. I am a lightweight(featherweight, let's be honest). I am 5'0.5 (I like to round up) and 110 pounds. Anyone well-versed in the effects of alcohol can imagine that I can only handle a much smaller amount of alcohol than other people can (ironic, because I can't admit this when I'm sober). So while my other roommates are...well, hanging out with their boyfriends and not blogging at 5:40 am, I am- while listening to the entire Strange Clouds album by B.o.B, no less. See, I can advertise even while I am- what comes between drunk and tipsy? Actually, maybe I'm just drunk- the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem. I am in bed and my head still spins every time I try to pull my laptop closer to me (sign one that I shouldn't be blogging at 5:42 am- also, sign one that I shouldn't be using a laptop and that my sorry ass should just be in bed.)
Also I use too many fucking parentheses. Even when I'm sober.
ANYhoo, after lots of thinking, I am not ashamed to admit (damn this is a night of confessions GOD DAMN TOO MANY PARENTHESES HEAT STOP) that I have a checklist as to what a man I get involved with should have. Apparently I do my blog posts in checklists when I'm drunk. I love to write otherwise why would I be doing this? But I'm apparently too lazy to write in complete sentences. All-righty then.
1) The man cannot have less balls than I do. This is self-explanatory. If I don't like something, people know. If I don't like someone, they know. And I don't see that as a bad thing- it weeds out the people I can't handle in my life. This is an insight into my previous past, in which I bashed stupid people and proceeded to explain that I can't have stupid people in my life lest my brain explodes and I cannot provide our six WONDERFUL readers with their- what comes after monthly?- entertainment. Seriously, if I can stand up to people and the guy can't, and if I'm dealing with people while he hides in the corner and tries to cook chicken, it is over. With a capital O.
2) The boy's gotta know sports. Seriously, if the guy knows about any LEGITIMATE sport (this doesn't include curling or ice dancing, guys), I'm happy. Although I won't lie- you know about football? And you're a Patriots fan? Please marry me. Right about now.
3) He should like to travel. I'm not a travel bug by any means. Whenever I go to India (which is as far from the United States as it gets, in my opinion), I can't handle it. I start getting all patriotic and shit in my head, It's weird. But for real though, that doesn't mean I'm a complete recluse, and he'd better be up for going somewhere like- I dunno, France? Egypt? Anywhere on the damn globe besides the United States, Hyderabad and Bangalore?- and I'll be happy.
4) He has to have a sense of humor. I don't know if you noticed, but- how to put this delicately??- I'm not all there. If you're looking for a not-crazy, regular, won't-tell-you-what-she-thinks-never-mind-if-it's-embarassing, don't come here.
5) He's got to look good in a suit. Not that that's hard. All men- and I MEAN all men- look like slammin' hotties in a suit.
6) Please try to show me you actually like me. If I'm not a priority, you go ahead and make a case for why I should give two fucks about you.
7) For God's sake, think for yourself. You really think we're impressed when you try to hunt for bitches after years of dating us, just because of a bunch of guys who couldn't get it up even if they had the opportunity to? And also, you really think we're impressed when we reaffirm that you can't get with any one of these bitches no matter how hard you try?
8) He has to be able to get multiple genres of music. Who says you have to like JBiebs and The Wanted? (Siva from The Wanted is my husband btw). I literally listen to freaking everything- Taking Back Sunday, AC/DC, System of a Down, B.o.B, J. Cole. If you can carry on a conversation about any artist (except maybe NSync), we're okay.
9) He has to be honest. I love a guy who doesn't mind telling you what he's thinking straight up (although don't get me wrong, he can't tell me if he thinks I'm fat.)
10) He should be able to have fun with my friends and me (see, grammatical even when I'm drunk. That's right.) Get drunk with my friends. Go to a concert with me. Indulge me and climb to the top of the W with me. Just get to know my friends and talk to them. It's not that hard, even when you're sober. I'm sure you can manage.
Alcohol's starting to wear off. Also listened to Strange Clouds too many damn times. Also I have 2.5 hrs to go until my next class. Clearly I'm the mistress of bad decisions.
2) The boy's gotta know sports. Seriously, if the guy knows about any LEGITIMATE sport (this doesn't include curling or ice dancing, guys), I'm happy. Although I won't lie- you know about football? And you're a Patriots fan? Please marry me. Right about now.
3) He should like to travel. I'm not a travel bug by any means. Whenever I go to India (which is as far from the United States as it gets, in my opinion), I can't handle it. I start getting all patriotic and shit in my head, It's weird. But for real though, that doesn't mean I'm a complete recluse, and he'd better be up for going somewhere like- I dunno, France? Egypt? Anywhere on the damn globe besides the United States, Hyderabad and Bangalore?- and I'll be happy.
4) He has to have a sense of humor. I don't know if you noticed, but- how to put this delicately??- I'm not all there. If you're looking for a not-crazy, regular, won't-tell-you-what-she-thinks-never-mind-if-it's-embarassing, don't come here.
5) He's got to look good in a suit. Not that that's hard. All men- and I MEAN all men- look like slammin' hotties in a suit.
6) Please try to show me you actually like me. If I'm not a priority, you go ahead and make a case for why I should give two fucks about you.
7) For God's sake, think for yourself. You really think we're impressed when you try to hunt for bitches after years of dating us, just because of a bunch of guys who couldn't get it up even if they had the opportunity to? And also, you really think we're impressed when we reaffirm that you can't get with any one of these bitches no matter how hard you try?
8) He has to be able to get multiple genres of music. Who says you have to like JBiebs and The Wanted? (Siva from The Wanted is my husband btw). I literally listen to freaking everything- Taking Back Sunday, AC/DC, System of a Down, B.o.B, J. Cole. If you can carry on a conversation about any artist (except maybe NSync), we're okay.
9) He has to be honest. I love a guy who doesn't mind telling you what he's thinking straight up (although don't get me wrong, he can't tell me if he thinks I'm fat.)
10) He should be able to have fun with my friends and me (see, grammatical even when I'm drunk. That's right.) Get drunk with my friends. Go to a concert with me. Indulge me and climb to the top of the W with me. Just get to know my friends and talk to them. It's not that hard, even when you're sober. I'm sure you can manage.
Alcohol's starting to wear off. Also listened to Strange Clouds too many damn times. Also I have 2.5 hrs to go until my next class. Clearly I'm the mistress of bad decisions.
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