Tuesdays Are Rough.

The title of this post is misleading. It's actually Monday night, not Tuesday. But with 3 hours left to go before today turns into tomorrow, I'm already starting to feel a little slump. Like I've got weight on my shoulders and it's dragging me down. This happened to me last week too. I was sitting at work last Tuesday feeling really upset all day. And I know why. I'm missing something. Something that usually keeps me going and brings a smile to my face regularly. Something I don't think I ever fully appreciated when it was right here, around me. I'm missing a part of me that's fun and goofy and carefree. I'm definitely missing something. Or should I say...someone. 

Fridays he's here. And everything in my world is right. Saturday and Sunday, I get by, because I'm at home and it's the weekend and my family keeps me busy. Mondays start to drag, because I'm busy, and I'm getting tired. And Tuesdays...Tuesdays are the worst. Because that's really when I start to feel an emptiness. Like I'm slaving away with no purpose. Because really, what's the point of all this work and all these meetings if I don't get to see him at the end of the day? 

Wednesdays are better, because I can sleep in a bit and eat lunch with my brother and cousin. That helps takes my mind off things. And of course Thursdays take forever, but I get by because I'm excited. I know he's coming soon and that's what keeps me going. 

And then the cycle starts again.

It's only the second week and I'm thinking to myself...Is this what the next two, maybe three years are going to be like? The rational part of my mind keeps telling me to snap out of it. You're a strong woman, Dirt, you'll weather through this. You'll get used to it for the time being and before you know it, everything will be back to normal. 

But there's a small emotional part of me too. And it's whispering in the back of my mind, "Home is where the heart is, Dirt. And if your heart isn't here, what are you still doing here? Does anything else really matter?"

##Dirt##

YAWP

Words cannot fully describe my feelings right now. 

The last few months for all of us have been tinged with a sense of urgency and change. We all have been scrambling to figure our lives out and it's so much more complicated then we ever thought. 

For me, after I graduated high school, I knew I was going to have my life together by the time I graduated college. I was always so sure that I would know the exact directions and paths I would take. Back  then, I looked at life like it's an instruction manual, do everything step by step and you will end up with a perfect product. What I didn't realize was that the instructions are all in Swedish and I'm definitely missing a few screws. 

Now, with only three short months until graduation, I am realizing the vast void that we are stepping into. We are now qualified, certified adults. How scary is that? 

In terms of real life plans, I feel like I'm starting this incredible journey. I was just selected to be the MC VP TM (translation the head of human resources on the national staff) of SOUTH AFRICA!!!! which is an amazing dream come true. I feel so much of my self confidence returning. I feel validated for all those times I put AIESEC in front of school work.I feel proud of my accomplishments because I know they meant something and they will continue to mean something on an international scale. 

I feel like a rock star to be honest, and it feels so. damn. good. 

But there's this voice in the back of my head that's saying "do you really want to let go of this life you've built up?" 

I guess I'm just very conflicted at the moment. I understand that we're at a crossroads, all four of us. Each of us facing different choices that will change our entire lives. And even though I have confidence in every single one of us, this "what if" feeling is a bit disconcerting. 

These next three months will be incredibly bittersweet. I'm leaving my school, my friends, my family (the line is really blurring between those two) my home, my country, my entire LIFE. But so is everyone else, in one form or another, mine is just a little less metaphorical. 

I guess, at the end of all of this rambling, what I'm trying to say is that I fully intend to take advantage of these next days we have together. Because I know that we're never getting them back. 



-Swift.Out. 

Time Stops for No One.

So decided to go back and read a lot of the old posts on this today. And then it hit me. I had just turned 19 when we started this thing. And now...I'm 22. Awk. When did I get so old? I know, I know. 22 is not old. And I'm gonna read this 10 years from now and feel even more awk. Because then I'll REALLY be old. But really, when I read a post about the summer after FRESHMAN year when me and my elements got together to have an adult-like lunch, and then I think about my life now, I just-- weird feelings. Can't explain it. 

So what's going on right now you ask?

We're at the last semester of our college career. It's crazy. We're all looking forward. We're excited, we're nervous, and we're getting there. Quick recap on what's been going on:

• My boyfriend GRADUATED in December and is WORKING for IBM. Kid's TRAVELLING on his own and being all independent and adult-like, earning MONEY and whatnot.
• Liquid got into LAW school. She's still waiting to hear back from a few places, but DAMN. She got into LAW school!
• Swift just got the big news today, she's going to be spending the next YEAR in SOUTH AFRICA (wrestling TIGERS!) ((jk)) Like a YEAR. In another COUNTRY. 
• Heat just gave her MCATs!
• And I'm applying to jobs in Digital Marketing! Going on Tours and stuff for a really big-girl's job. 
• We've suddenly turned into senioritis-struck slackers who party too late and then end up skipping class. 

On top of that, my parents are considering moving, and are taking into account things like me getting MARRIED in the near future. 

It's bizarre. Surreal. SO DAMN COOL. But at the same time it's like WTH when did this happen?!

It's incredible to go back and read all these posts, because it reminds me of how far we've come. Sure, I don't want college to end. But we've just been through so much, you know? It's time to move on.

I'm making it a goal to update more this semester. And this year really. We've come a long way and we're got to live it up as much as we can these last few months.

##Dirt##

I have no energy to come up with a title for this.

College is coming to an end (even though I still have one semester to go.  What can I say?  I love this place so much) and I feel like this:

I can only describe this last year as tumultuous.  It's been characterized by impulsive decisions which have opened doors and given me perspective that I wouldn't have gained otherwise.  I made the decision to study abroad during the week of the registration deadline.  I have no idea why I'm doing research in a mechanical engineering lab when I love engineering about as much as a fat kid likes dieting.  I signed up for my MCAT date purely on a whim.  And it would seem that whatever happens to me after college is following in this vein- for the first time, when I look into my future, I have no idea what's going to happen.  It's slightly terrifying.

It was different before college- I was obviously going somewhere.  Coming from a family where the idea of not earning your Master's is an inconceivable anathema, there was no question there.  But I have no idea if I'm going to get into med school or not.  If I don't, I don't think I actually know what I'm going to do after graduate school.  One of the principal ingredients of my life, as anybody who knows anything about me can attest to, is passion.  What if I can't find something I'm truly passionate about and gifted enough to succeed in, if the avenue of medical school is closed to me?  What if I'm not good enough to get into a medical school anywhere?   Honestly, if I had a boggart, it would look something like this:

I don't want to end up settling for something in life, or depending on the possibility that I'll learn to love my career or that I'll learn to be good at it.  Liquid and I were talking about it and she sees it as a crossroads, as an exciting time when life has the potential to go in whatever direction you want.  I'm trying not to see it this way, but I feel like this is the time when I can be made or broken, and all the elements defining the outcome aren't even in my control.

But the most important thing I've learned in my senior year is that this is why there is faith.  There's always been a method to the madness, and even though things that I didn't want to happen have happened, there's always been a reason for it.  Humans are resilient- life goes on and we get over things fast.  I guess all there is to do is trust that even if I do my best and I don't get what I want, I'm meant to do something else and that my life won't actually flush itself down the crapper.

Hooray for perspective!

~*Heat*~