Ever since August, I have been burning bridges and weeding people out of my life, culminating in a breakup of a relationship that lasted almost three years. These past two semesters have given me time to reflect in who I am, realize who was important, and most crucially, eliminate those who couldn't be bothered about me. These months have undoubtedly been difficult and have taken a toll on me, not only in terms of a purging of my social circle but in terms of my perception of myself. I feel like I've been somewhat capricious in my choice of friendships, swinging wildly from one end of the personality spectrum to the other. But more alarmingly, I, the girl who has always known exactly what she's wanted and where she wants to end up, don't have the first clue when it comes to relationships and reading people. It was a bit of a shock, and the idea of listening to what other people have to say about the kind of people I choose to get involved with grated on several nerves.
After all of this, I can reaffirm one thing about myself. I am a very all-or-nothing person. Whether other people realize it or not, I put so much into all of my relationships that when they end, it's neither clean nor pretty. About 80% of the time, I feel like I take the ending of the relationship harder than the other person does. But regardless of how many experiences I have like this, I don't think it's something I can or am willing to change about me. My passion for things makes me who I am and I have no intention of giving it up, even if it may leave me vulnerable.
Conversely, I know that there's stuff about my personality that I have to change, insecurities I need to surmount and flaws that I need to fix. It seemed like it would be such an arduous effort, but I feel like I'm not the same person I was a mere three months ago. My life in January seems so far-removed from everything I hold dear now, and the people in my life then certainly have no place in it now. A boy I couldn't imagine not being with is nothing to me now, and my friends have proven to be even more invaluable than I dreamed before. Constancy is a goal I am not meant to reach right now, even in terms of my own personality. While I would have quailed at the thought of such change three months ago, I have the humility to accept it now.
At first glance, it would seem as if this semester was marked by vicissitude and senseless turmoil. People told me that they were sorry that I "had to be sad." I didn't understand why every form of conflict and loss imaginable was being piled on me all at once, and I thought it was ridiculously unfair. But looking back, I have no regrets, and it would seem that there was a method to the madness. I am happier and more confident now than I've been in a long time. I'm stronger and I had the sense to learn how to read people better from my breakup. Nothing is constant. Everyone changes, and the two of us were no exception. He warped into someone who wasn't right for me, and now he's just somebody I used to know.
And so am I.
~*Heat*~
After all of this, I can reaffirm one thing about myself. I am a very all-or-nothing person. Whether other people realize it or not, I put so much into all of my relationships that when they end, it's neither clean nor pretty. About 80% of the time, I feel like I take the ending of the relationship harder than the other person does. But regardless of how many experiences I have like this, I don't think it's something I can or am willing to change about me. My passion for things makes me who I am and I have no intention of giving it up, even if it may leave me vulnerable.
Conversely, I know that there's stuff about my personality that I have to change, insecurities I need to surmount and flaws that I need to fix. It seemed like it would be such an arduous effort, but I feel like I'm not the same person I was a mere three months ago. My life in January seems so far-removed from everything I hold dear now, and the people in my life then certainly have no place in it now. A boy I couldn't imagine not being with is nothing to me now, and my friends have proven to be even more invaluable than I dreamed before. Constancy is a goal I am not meant to reach right now, even in terms of my own personality. While I would have quailed at the thought of such change three months ago, I have the humility to accept it now.
At first glance, it would seem as if this semester was marked by vicissitude and senseless turmoil. People told me that they were sorry that I "had to be sad." I didn't understand why every form of conflict and loss imaginable was being piled on me all at once, and I thought it was ridiculously unfair. But looking back, I have no regrets, and it would seem that there was a method to the madness. I am happier and more confident now than I've been in a long time. I'm stronger and I had the sense to learn how to read people better from my breakup. Nothing is constant. Everyone changes, and the two of us were no exception. He warped into someone who wasn't right for me, and now he's just somebody I used to know.
And so am I.
~*Heat*~
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